Supporters

Are You Supporting Someone You Know?

Welcome supporters. It’s awesome that you want to help someone make positive changes in their life. Having trusted people around to support them through their change journey is crucial to helping them stay on track without using or resorting to violence.

So what does a change journey look like?

Thinking About Change – they may have noticed or been made aware of concerns about their behaviour.
Taking Steps for Change – they’re actively doing things to recognise and change their behaviour.
Staying on Track – they’ve made changes to their behaviour and are practising keeping those changes going.

While supporting someone, it’s important you don’t share anything with them that might put the person they are abusing at greater risk.

There isn’t one right way to support someone on a change journey, so here are some tips for how to support someone while taking care of yourself too.

Knowing that someone needs support to change their behaviour can be difficult. But if your gut feeling is that something isn’t right, you should listen to it.
We might be worried that if we speak up it may affect our relationship with the person or that we’ve misinterpreted a ‘normal’ argument.
You might notice things that make you concerned

Their partner appears frightened, withdrawn

Their partner is very agreeable

They or their partner has unexplained injuries

Personality changes for them or their partner i.e. changing from outgoing to withdrawn

You’ve noticed them humilating their partner

They’re using drugs and alcohol to manage emotions

They’re irritable, short tempered, angry

They appear sad, closed off, feeling hopeless

They’re controlling, jealous, using threats and intimidation

They check their partner’s phone, email, mail and are constantly checking up on them

Talking about hurting themselves or others

They accuse their partner of having affairs

Contact is restricted with family/whānau and friends, isolating themselves

They stop their partner from seeing people

They ask for help

Common reasons that people think for not intervening

We might be worried that if we speak up it may affect our relationship with the person or that we’ve misinterpreted a ‘normal’ argument. Challenge yourself if you find yourself thinking:

“They’re fine when they don’t drink”

“They never want to talk about what’s going on so I’ve given up”

“I’m scared and don’t want conflict”

“Kids are just quiet cause they’re tired”

“I don’t want to get involved cause I don’t know what to do”

“They’ll think I’ve gone soft”

“They wind them up and deserve it”

“I don’t want to lose my friendship with them”

“It’s not my business”

“They’re not usually like this, it will blow over”

“I don’t want to feel like a traitor”
How do I know someone I care about needs support

Knowing that someone needs support to change their behaviour can be difficult. But if your gut feeling is that something isn’t right, you should listen to it.

We might be worried that if we speak up it may affect our relationship with the person or that we’ve misinterpreted a ‘normal’ argument.
Anyone can be a supporter. It could be someone’s mate, family/whānau member, neighbour, a bystander in public, or even someone who has used violence themselves in the past and has been on a change journey.

Sometimes people being harmed want to find support for their loved one to change. Here are some tips to see if you’re the right person, or if it’s best to ask someone else to step in: