Skip to main content

Looking for help for someone else?

Visit our supporters page

Change starts here. For you and your whānau.

Looking for help for someone else?

Visit our supporters page

Where do I start?

Journey

Everyone’s change journey is unique to them and we all have our own motivations and reasons for making change. Like learning anything new, change can be challenging. Remember, you’re not in this alone, there are support services available to help you on your journey.
  1. Thinking about change
  2. Taking steps for change
  3. Staying on track
  4. Slipped up? It's not too late to change
Journey

Taking Steps For Change

Want to know how to make some changes? Ka rawe/excellent! This page has some ideas to help you think about what's important to you and why you want to make changes. You can learn about when things start to go wrong, and what you can do when you notice this happening. There will be some things here that apply to you, and others that don't, so take what you need from this page.

Two men walking along a beach together

Want to know how to make some changes? Ka rawe/excellent! This page has some ideas to help you think about what's important to you and why you want to make changes. You can learn about when things start to go wrong, and what you can do when you notice this happening. There will be some things here that apply to you, and others that don't, so take what you need from this page.

  • A great first step for making change is thinking about what's important to you. Pick which values mean something to you and see what they could look like.

  • Beliefs are fixed ideas about ourselves, other people, and the world we live in. These are usually formed in childhood and as we grow older can get stronger. They are things we hold to be absolutely true deep down, below our surface thoughts, and we believe them without question.

    How do your beliefs influence your behaviour?

    Situations don't control the way we think - we do.  If you allow situations to control the way you think then this may lead to behaviours that aren't safe. Think about how your beliefs and attitudes affect how you react to situations.  Next time you're in a situation which makes you feel angry or hurt, challenge yourself to take control of how you respond.

    Here's an example of how different beliefs can impact the same situation:

  • Here we look more at the things that could trigger or 'set off' a reaction, and the early warning signs people have that let them know they're about to react. People can better manage their reactions if they know what makes them tick and have some strategies in their toolkit/kete to help them.

    Man sitting on seat, looking down with head in his hands

    Triggers

    Here we look more at the things that could trigger or 'set off' a reaction, and the early warning signs people have that let them know they're about to react. People can better manage their reactions if they know what makes them tick and have some strategies in their toolkit/kete to help them.
    • Jealousy
    • Shame/Whakamā
    • Past trauma
    • Past sexual harm
    • Entitlement
    • Alpha male/man box thinking
    • Watching violent/harmful pornography
    • Experiencing racism
    • Feeling hurt
    • Feeling told off
    • Thinking someone has lied
    • Feeling disrespected
    • Feeling like a failure
    • Being overwhelmed
    • Having unrealistic expectations
    • Alcohol and drug issues
    • Money issues
    • Relationship issues/disagreements
    • Family/whānau issues
    • Parenting/step parenting issues
    • Children/tamariki being unwell
    • Expectations of others/society (such as to 'control/be in charge of' kids/partner)
    • Unemployment or underemployment
    • Running late or routine disrupted
    • Unstable housing
    • Mental health conditions and issues with medication
    • Poor physical wellbeing

  • Man side on, looking out a window

    Early Warning Signs

    Things we notice when something doesn't feel right or something is about to go wrong

  • These are some things you can do to help you notice your triggers/early warning signs and some tips on what to do when you notice them.

    Two men sitting on a bench outside

  • Things that are automatic or habits to us (called neural pathways) look like super highways in our brains, whereas those things we need to practice are narrow dirt tracks. That means we need to keep going over the dirt tracks to make them into super highways. Once you've created a super highway, whether for something positive or negative, it's there as long as you keep using it. With practice we can create new pathways. Having the ability to create these new pathways depends on what part of your brain is active.

    Understanding how our brains work can help us to be more aware of what we're thinking and doing, as well as practice new skills and habits when we're in the right mindset to learn them. When you know different you know how to do different, but you have to work at it.

     

    Here's some information about the three main parts of the brain and how we experience thoughts, emotions and behaviour when we're using those parts of the brain.

    It's also called the Reptilian Brain because reptiles have brains that only have these functions. This part of our brain is like the life support system - it keeps our body alive and makes sure our organs are working.
    Research tells us that when we're really angry we're reacting from this part of the brain - have you ever thought after something has happened "Why did I do/say that?" or not remembered doing/saying something?

    This is the part of our brain that makes us similar to other mammals. This part is where we experience our emotions, memories, habits, and attachments. We experience our 'gut feeling' here too.
    Fight and flight modes happen when we're using this part of our brain and we operate on auto pilot. This means we have rigid reactions to events, because we're not able to think things through and make choices about how we respond.
    In this part of our brain we're able to practice and use coping strategies to deal with our emotional responses to events. Practising being aware of how we feel keeps us operating in this part of our brain and quietens our Reptilian Brain responses.

    This part controls our seeing, hearing, talking, and thinking. It is where we can sort things, organise, use logic, and rationalise to make decisions and solve problems. All of the things that make us human.
    Recognising, opening and calming our emotions helps us to keep the neo-cortex part of our brain active. We can control the way we think - it will take information, learning and practice when we're in the neo-cortex part of our brain so that it can become easier to do. Becoming more mindful means we're able to stay online in this part of our brain even when things aren't going so well in the moment.

Tools

These tools can help you put into practice what you've learnt on this page

Stories about Taking Steps for Change

Play all
Play all

Looking for help for someone else?

Visit our supporters page
Image of mobile phone with Service Finder tool

Need help but not sure where to find it?

Use the Service Finder tool below to find the right resources for you.